


Texting Trickery

by Blondygirly98



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Don't question the logic of how they text each other all the time (even in the same room), F/M, M/M, Multi, text!fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-07 13:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1900884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blondygirly98/pseuds/Blondygirly98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texts between the Avengers! (Moved from Fanfiction.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Frostiron

**Author's Note:**

> I finally moved this fic from fanfiction.net to AO3! I'm posting all the chapters I've done so far, even the amateur-ish ones I wrote last year that make me embarrassed whenever I go back and read them. This is a work in progress, as in, I have not finished posting all the chapters, but once I have done that I will continue writing new ones!

* * *

_GREETINGS, ANTHONY EDWARD STARK_

**Tony:** _Uh, who’s this?_

_IT IS I, THOR ODINSON, GOD OF THUNDER_

**Tony:** _Thor? Since when do you know how to operate a phone?_

 **Thor:** _EYE OF HAWK SHOWED ME THE WAY OF THE MOBILE. HE ALSO SHOWED ME THE BOOK OF FACES AND THE GOOGLE_

 **Tony:** _Of course he would. It’s “Facebook” and “Google”, buddy, and why are you texting in all capitals?_

 **Thor:** _I KNOW NOT HOW TO TURN OFF THIS CAPS OF LOCK_

 **Tony:** _lol_

 **Thor:** _:(_

 **Tony:** _Sorry, but your pain amuses me. :P_

 **Thor:** _I HAVE INDEED ENDURED GREAT SUFFERING. EYE OF HAWK “GOOGLED” SOMETHING IN IMAGES AND WHAT SHOWED UP HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE._

 **Tony:** _Well, porn is pretty scarring. Clint was just messing with you though._

 **Thor:** _EYE OF HAWK CALLED IT BY ANOTHER NAME. HE DUBBED IT “THORKI”_

 **Tony:** _Oh he didn’t! Lol haha_

 **Thor:** _IT IS NOT FUNNY, MAN OF IRON. LOKI IS MY BROTHER, I WOULD NEVER . . . JUST . . . HOW COULD MORTALS THINK OF SUCH THINGS?_

 **Loki:** _You mentioned my name? What did I do now? *Pouts innocently*_

 **Tony:** _Clint showed Thor how to use a mobile, and he also showed him Thorki._

 **Thor:** _MY DEAR BROTHER, I AM RELIEVED YOU DO NOT KNOW OF THIS “THORKI” AS –_

 **Loki:** _Omg he did not! Lol!_

 **Thor:** _LOKI, YOU KNOW OF THIS . . . THIS INDECENT ART MORTALS HAVE MADE OF US?_

 **Tony:** _I thought it was pretty decent. ;)_

 **Loki:** _Brother, that is nothing. You should see what the mortals have done with “FrostIron”._ **  
**

 **Thor:** _AND WHO IS THIS FROSTIRON ABOUT?_

 **Loki:** _Stark and I._

 **Thor:** _. . . THE VISUALS_

 **Tony:** _Lol._

 **Loki:** _Lol._

 **Tony:** _FrostIron is pretty hot, actually. I mean, hello, me._

 **Loki:** _I find it quite . . . intriguing. Maybe these mortals will allow you and I, Tony, to pose for their art? I am not one to get in the way of a masterpiece._

 **Thor:** _OH MY ODIN, PLEASE STOP._

 **Tony:** _*ignoring Thor* I agree Loki. I mean, if the masterpiece has me in it, go right ahead._

 **Loki:** _And I find those positions in the mortal’s works of art quite fascinating. Can you really lift your leg up that high, Stark?_

 **Thor:** _I DEMAND YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT FROSTIRON AT ONCE._

 **Tony:** _Depends Loki . . . are you prepared to do those things to me?_

 **Thor:** _STOP! THE VISUALS! MY MIND HAS BEEN TAINTED BY THE MORTAL’S “FROSTIRON”. I WILL LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION IF YOU DO NOT MOVE ON._

 **Loki:** _*also ignoring Thor* you’ll see Tony. Why don’t you come over? I’ll show you how high_ I _can lift my leg up._

 **Thor:** _BROTHER, STOP_

 **Tony:** _I guess I’ll be seeing you shortly then, Loki ;)_

 **Thor:** _MAN OF IRON, STOP FLIRTING WITH MY BROTHER. HE DOES NOT LIKE IT._

 **Loki:** _Actually Thor, you’re speaking for yourself here. I’ll be ready for you Tony . . . ready to show you a wonderful time._ **  
**

 **Thor:** _BROTHER NOOOOOOOO!!_

 **Tony:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _. . ._

 **Thor:** _Huzzah, I have gained the knowledge of how to rid my phone of this caps of lock!_

 **Thor:** _. . . Tony? Loki?_

 **Thor:** _:(_


	2. Stony

**Steve:** _Tony . . . you aren’t answering my calls._

 **Tony:** _I can’t pick up right now. I’m in the middle of something._

 **Steve:** _But I miss you._

 **Tony:** _I miss you too. I can’t talk anymore; I’m getting shot at._

 **Steve:** _But I’m naked . . ._

 **Tony:** _. . . I’ll be right there.  
_

_*Later*  
_

**Tony:** _Steve you lied. You aren’t naked._

 **Tony:** _:(_

 **Steve:** _How would you know?_

 **Tony:** _I was outside your window just now, in my iron man suit. You were playing some video game. More importantly, you were fully clothed._

 **Steve:** _. . . These clothes aren’t permanently stuck on me, Tony._

 **Tony:** _I know. Speaking of which, those pants don’t suit you. Take them off._

 **Steve:** _I’m not in the mood anymore Tony._

 **Tony:** _*pout* I’ll show you my arc reactor._

 **Steve:** _I’ve seen your arc reactor. Everyone’s seen your arc reactor. Even Nick Fury._

 **Tony:** _Steve, the visuals. Also, by arc reactor I really mean “arc reactor”._

 **Steve:** _. . . I’ll be right there._

_*The Next Morning*_

**Tony:** _. . . Steve._

 **Steve:** _Yeah? <3_

 **Tony:** _I think I might love you._

 **Steve:** _Aw, shucks._ _I bet you say that to all the guys. <3_

 **Tony:** _There’s only been one guy who’s seen my arc reactor._

 **Steve:** _. . . Nick Fury?_

 **Tony:** _Steve! I mean you!_

 **Steve:** _Of course you do. <3 I think I might love you too._

 **Tony:** _. . . <3_

 **Loki:** _Some of us are still trying to get rid of the visuals we received when two certain people “went at it” last night. Wait a few more hours before you start that up again, ok?_

 **Tony:** _Loki, get out of our conversation._

 **Steve:** _How do you know about us, Loki?_

 **Loki:** _I tried not to hear you two, but it was kind of hard to ignore all the noise you were making._

 **Tony:** _. . ._

 **Steve:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _And everyone else in the Avengers tower heard you two as well._

 **Tony:** _Everyone?_

 **Loki:** _Everyone._

 **Steve:** _. . ._

 **Tony:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _Even Nick Fury._


	3. Unrequited!Clintasha

* * *

**Tony:** _Steve, did I ever tell you how much I love your Captain America outfit? #No I didn’t #because I don’t actually like it_

**Steve:** _Um, thanks? What’s with the hash tags?_

**Tony:** _Oh, right, you’re not exactly up to date with all this texting stuff, are you? #Course not #silly me_

**Steve:** _What do the hash tags mean? Are you being sarcastic? You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?_

**Clint:** _Who’s making fun of you, Steve? #I bet its Tony_

**Tony:** _Geez, Clint, what’s that supposed to mean? #I know exactly what you mean._

**Steve:** _Guys! Enough with the hash tags! I can’t tell which part of your texts are sarcasm or what!_

**Clint:** _Sorry, Steve. I have to go now, anyway. Natasha’s waiting for me. #Yes I mean it like that_

**Steve:** _Mean it like what?_

**Clint:** _Oh, it doesn’t matter #try to keep up, spandex_

**Steve:** _. . . did you just call me spandex?_

**Clint:** _. . . no, course not. #yes_

**Steve:** _:(_

**Tony:** _Clint meant that Natasha’s waiting for him as in waiting to make love._

**Steve:** _. . . I didn’t_ really _need that information_

**Natasha:** _What information?_

**Steve:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _Clint’s just telling us that he’s about to sleep with someone._

**Natasha:** _Ooh Clint, who’s the girl?_

**Tony:** _His exact words were “Natasha’s waiting for me”._

**Clint:** _. . . #shut up Tony_

**Natasha:** _Clint!!! Guys, he’s lying. We’re not together. No matter how hard Clint wishes we were._

**Clint:** _:(_

**Clint:** _Ok, so I might of lied. But you could have played along, Nat!_

**Natasha:** _Yeah, I don’t think so. Oh, and if I find out you’re spreading rumours about us being together, I’m going to find your arrows and snap each of them in half!_

**Clint:** _I’ve hidden them._

**Steve:** _I wonder where. #In his nest_

**Tony:** _Steve! I’m so proud of you!_

**Clint:** _Yeah, thanks Steve._

**Natasha:** _Be right back guys . . ._

**Clint:** _No! Natasha wait!_

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Thanks, guys. Now I have to go save my arrows._

**Tony:** _That’s right, Clint. Go protect your manhood – I mean arrows._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _So I guess it’s just you and me now, Tony. #I’m not implying anything #I’m just stating a fact #I hope I’m using this hash tag thing right #I don’t see the point but ok #I’m not overdoing this, am I?_

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _What have I done._


	4. Tony Unleashes the Hulk

* * *

**Tony:** _Bruce_

**Tony:** _Bruce_

**Tony:** _Bruce_

**Bruce:** _What?_

**Tony:** _. . . Bruce_

**Bruce:** _What??!!_

**Tony:** _U mad?_

**Bruce:** _I see what you’re trying to do here Tony_

**Tony:** _Bruce_

**Bruce:** _You can’t bring out the other guy over text_

**Tony:** _Brucy_

**Bruce:** _You’re actually amusing me_

**Tony:** _Banner_

**Bruce:** _Unless you have a serious matter to discuss, I’m going to turn off my phone. Last chance Tony._

**Tony:** _Ok, sorry. I do have something to discuss with you, actually._

**Bruce:** _Go on._

**Tony:** _*poke*_

**Bruce:** _Tony_

**Tony:** _Bruce_

**Bruce:** _Ermergerd_

**Tony:** _Um, Bruce, buddy, are you still there?_

**Bruce:** _Yes, I was just expressing my irritation._

**Tony:** _Oh._

**Tony:** _*poke*_

**Bruce:** _. . . Tony stop. Seriously._

**Tony:** _Sure . . . *pole*_

**Bruce:** _Pole?_

**Tony:** _*poke_

**Bruce:** _-.- stop it Tony. I’m turning my phone off in five . . ._

**Tony:** _Brrruuuuucccccyyyyy_

**Bruce:** _Four, three, two . . ._

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Bruce:** _One . . ._

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _. . . *poke*_

**Bruce:** _Emensfliuajkwehrbgfiawbhg aljwbh_

**Tony:** _Bruce? Did you just turn into the Hulk?_

**Bruce:** _iewgufbhksdnkjg efasjhdkfb ekurjfsd_

**Tony:** _I’ll . . . take that as a yes._

**Nick Fury:** _Tony, why has Bruce just turned into the Hulk?_

**Tony:** _Uh, how do you know Bruce turned into the Hulk?_

**Nick Fury:** _He just burst into our meeting wanting to “smash puny Gods”._

**Tony:** _Poor Thor. Poor Loki. Say sorry to them for me, ok?_

**Nick Fury:** _. . . you unleashed the Hulk, didn’t you?_

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _I wouldn’t say “unleashed” exactly, it’s more like –_

**Nick Fury:** _God damn it Tony!!!_

**Tony:** _Heh . . . heh . . ._

**Loki:** _I hear you provoked the monster, Stark. Thanks._

**Tony:** _Sorry, did he smash you into the ground again?_

**Loki:** _. . . He threw me out the window_

**Tony:** _Lol! Go Bruce!_

**Nick Fury:** _Shut up Tony and get here already! Thor’s battling the Hulk right now and it’s not pretty!_

**Thor:** _Avengers . . . I need some help here._

**Tony:** _*sulk* you guys never let me have any fun. Fine, I’m on my way._

**Nick Fury:** _He’s such a child._

**Tony:** _Saw that one, Fury._

**Nick Fury:** _Get out here, Stark._


	5. Thor's Shampoo

* * *

**Thor:** _WHO HAS BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO_

**Tony:** _Chill out, Thor. It’s only shampoo._

**Thor:** _WAS IT YOU, MAN OF IRON? HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO?_

**Tony:** _No, I haven’t. Ask Natasha._

**Thor:** _WHY NATASHA?_

**Tony:** _Well, because your shampoo is more of a ladies shampoo. Hence your coiffed, feminine blonde curls._

**Thor:** _I AM NOT A GIRL_

**Tony:** _Fight like one._

**Loki:** _Who are you talking about, Stark?_

**Tony:** _Your brother. I’m telling him he fights like a girl._

**Loki:** _. . . he looks like one._

**Thor:** _I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM PARTICULARY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY HAIR. I LIKE IT TO BE CLEAN, THANKYOU VERY MUCH. AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR HAIR, LOKI? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TRIMMED IT? OR EVEN BRUSHED IT?_

**Loki:** _My hair is none of_ your _business, Thor. Why are we talking about Thor’s hair anyway? As glamorous as it is, there’s not much to discuss about it._

**Tony:** _Well, Thor wants to know who’s been using his shampoo. Is that why you keep using capitals, Thor?_

**Thor:** _I USE CAPITALS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ANGERED, AND I AM A GOD. NOW WHO HAS BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO?_

**Loki:** _Um depends. Do you use L’Oreal?_

**Thor:** _. . . YES._

**Loki:** _Yeah, sorry Thor, I may have used up the last of it._

**Tony:** _Wait, both of you uses L’Oreal?_

**Thor:** _. . . IT CLEANS MY HAIR_

**Loki:** _. . . I find that during battle my hair remains de-frizzed._

**Thor:** _OH YES, THERE’S THAT TOO._

**Tony:** _. . . you are kidding me._

**Thor:** _Brother, stop using my shampoo. But now I know the culprit, I am not angered._

**Thor:** _Oh, and I too find that my hair reacts less to humidity after using L’Oreal._

**Loki:** _And it gives your hair more volume and lasting shine._

**Thor:** _Yes, quite._

**Tony:** _. . ._

*The next morning*  
  


**Tony:** _Whoa I have the mother of all headaches right now._

**Steve:** _Maybe you shouldn’t have drunken that much last night._

**Tony:** _Always the sensible one, Cap._

**Steve:** _At least one of us is._

**Tony:** _I have more fun at parties when I’m drunk. I don’t like to sit around with a non-alcoholic drink like you did, Steve._

**Steve:** _That’s because I only drink on special occasions. And you throwing a party just because you can isn’t a special occasion. Besides, I can’t even get drunk. Impossibly high metabolism, remember?_

**Tony:** _Poor Steve, hereby forever dubbed as the designated driver when we go out._

**Steve:** _That’s fine, at least I can make sure my friends get home in one piece. I don’t see you taking on that responsibility, Stark._

**Tony:** _Oh, it’s back to Stark, is it? You know, the next time we go out – no, actually, I’m going to dare you to do something that you wouldn’t normally do, right now._

**Steve:** _Go ahead._

**Tony:** _. . . strip and run through the streets._

**Steve:** _Um, no._

**Tony:** _Go skinny-dipping in my pool then._

**Steve:** _. . . Why are you so insistent about seeing me naked?_

**Tony:** _I’m not! Fine, what can I make you do that goes against the whole good-guy thing?_

**Clint:** _What are we doing?_

**Tony:** _Daring Steve to do things that are outside his comfort zone._

**Clint:** _Ooh, fun. How about . . . well, firstly, what’s one of the worst things you’ve done?_

**Steve:** _I’ve injured and most likely killed people._

**Clint:** _. . . I guess it doesn’t get any worse than that._

**Tony:** _But that doesn’t count because that was when you were tyring to win a war. I mean since you woke up from the ice, snow white._

**Steve:** _Um, well, I was late for church once._

**Tony:** _Ok . . . um, why? Were you too busy getting the one-night stand chick out of your house?_

**Steve:** _No . . . I was helping an old lady._

**Tony:** _Wait for it._

**Steve:** _I got her cat down from the tree it had gotten stuck up._

**Tony:** _And there it is._

**Clint:** _Anything else? Like in your everyday life, Avengers stuff not included._

**Steve:** _Well, I made a kid cry._

**Tony:** _That’s not much, but go on._

**Steve:** _I made him a sandwich and forgot to cut the crusts off, just the way he liked it._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _I was volunteering at an orphanage._

**Tony:** _*face palm* Please tell me you at least slept with a woman and lied about calling her back the next day or something?_

**Steve:** _. . . I’ve . . . never slept with a woman._

**Clint:** _Seriously?_

**Steve:** _I’m religious. And the one woman I love is Peggy._

**Tony:** _Oh right, that girl you and my dad worked with. But since you’re never going to see her again, why don’t you go out with someone from the twenty first century?_

**Steve:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Don’t put it so harshly, Tony._

**Tony:** _Put what so harshly?_

**Clint:** _That Steve won’t ever see Peggy again, probably because she’s dead or old or something._

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Oh whoops. Sorry Steve._

**Steve:** _. . . *sniffle*_

**Tony:** _Are you_ crying _Steve?_

**Steve:** _. . . maybe_

**Clint:** _Way to go, Tony._

**Tony:** _It was you as well. I’m sorry Steve. Is there anyway to make up for what I said? I’d offer to have a one-night stand with you, but I know how you’re religious and all . . ._

**Clint:** _Never mind about the fact that you’re both guys_

**Tony:** _. . . oh, well that never stopped me . . . uh, I mean . . . never mind._

**Steve:** _*sniff*_

**Clint:** _. . . things just got awkward_


	6. Coulson is Not Impressed

* * *

**Tony:** _Hey has anyone seen Thor? I have something for him._

**Clint:** _Um I think he went to visit Jane. What did you get him?_

**Tony:** _A new bottle of L’Oreal shampoo._

**Clint:** _LOL_

**Tony:** _I wonder if he wants anything from Maybelline too?_

**Clint:** _Haha do they do hair curlers?_

**Tony:** _I don’t think so . . . does Thor actually use hair curlers?_

**Clint:** _How else does he get that natural looking wave?_

**Tony:** _. . . Maybe he’s björn with it._

**Clint:** _. . . Maybe it’s Mjölnir._

**Thor:** _I do not appreciate you mocking my hair._

**Clint:** _We’re sorry Thor, Tony’s just jealous that his isn’t as long and glamorous as yours._

**Tony:** _Shut up, Clint. At least my hair isn’t receding like SOME_

_people’s._

**Clint:** _That’s mean Tony, don’t talk about Phil Coulson like that._

**Thor:** _Friends, be nice about Son of Coul._

**Tony:** _You’re right, Thor. At least he has hair._

**Tony:** _. . . unlike Nick Fury._

**Clint:** _Now THERE’S someone who’s probably jealous of you, Thor!_

**Thor:** _Do you think so? I would be honoured if such a man like friend_

_Fury would be jealous of me._

**Tony:** _You’re brother would probably say something along the lines of_

_“well he_ should _be jealous of me, I am a God, and he is a puny mortal”._

**Clint:** _Nick Fury is probably jealous of everyone with hair, even Loki._

**Tony:** _Introducing, Director Nick Baldy!_

**Clint:** _LOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL_

**Thor:** _You mortals amuse me!_

**Tony:** _Director Nick Baldy, head of H.A.I.R.L.O.S.S_

**Nick Fury:** _Ahem_

**Clint:** _Oh God it’s Director Bal – uh, Fury!!!_

**Thor:** _. . ._

**Nick Fury:** _You have one minute to get your asses back to work before_

_you find yourselves being dangled off the Stark Tower by your testicles!_

**Tony:** _Oh crap, everybody RUN, RUN for your balls!_

**Nick Fury:** _In fact I might just remove yours, Stark_

**Clint:** _LOL_

**Nick Fury:** _You’re next, Barton_

**Clint:** _RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN_

**Thor:** _To Asgard!_

**Nick Fury:** _You cannot escape my fury, Thor_

**Thor:** _I am a GOD!_

**Nick Fury:** _Feel my wrath!_

**Thor:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Nick Fury:** _Feeeeeeeeel it_

**Thor:** _NOOOOOOOOOooooooo!_

**Tony:** _Jarvis, deploy . . . deploydeploydeploy!_

**Clint:** _Ah goddamn it, my testicles!_

 

* * *

**Thor:** _Tony? Clint?_

**Clint:** _Thor . . . I see . . . I see a light._

**Tony:** _I might not make it. Guys, go on without me._

**Thor:** _A warrior never leaves his friends behind!_

**Clint:** _The light . . ._

**Thor:** _Hold on, eye of hawk!_

**Clint:** _*dies*_

**Tony:** _Cllllliiiiinnnntttt_

**Thor:** _Come, Tony, we must go on! You can make it! You WILL make it!_

**Tony:** _Thor . . . I can’t go on._

**Tony:** _*dies*_

**Thor:** _NOOOOOOOOOooooooo!_

**Phil Coulson:** _Stop being such drama queens. And what’s this I hear about you guys making fun of Director Fury and I?_

**Tony:** _We weren’t making fun of you as in, like, your weight._

**Thor:** _This is true. We were merely joking about your receding hairline and friend Fury’s lack thereof._

**Tony:** _Thanks for ratting us out, Thor._

**Phil Coulson:** _I see . . . And where’s Agent Barton?_

**Tony:** _Up in his nest?_

**Phil Coulson:** _. . . Agent Barton, I see you. Get down from the rafters. We need to have a little chat._

**Clint:** _This number is no long available._

**Phil Coulson:** _Clint._

**Clint:** _This number is no long available._

**Phil Coulson:** _If you don’t get down here in five seconds, I’m going to get_ Agent Romanoff _to hang you from the Stark Tower by your testicles!_

**Clint:** _Getting down now._


	7. Sexting-ish

* * *

**Loki:** _Mmmm, brother you are so handsome._

 **Thor:** _:)_

 **Loki:** _And your hammer . . . simply marvellous._

 **Thor:** _Thankyou, brother. I in turn admire the length of your sceptre._

 **Loki:** _Yes, mine is bigger. But yours is definitely more powerful. I am talking from experience, as you know._

 **Thor:** _Yes, sorry about that brother. But desperate times called for desperate measures, as the Midgardian’s say._

 **Loki:** _It was desperate times indeed. ;)_

 **Thor:** _. . ._

 **Thor:** _I am not quite sure that we are talking about the same thing here anymore._

 **Loki:** _You are right. Let us refrain from talking now, and enjoy the simple pleasure of each other’s company._

 **Thor:** _. . . What are you up to Loki? Your behaviour seems suspicious._

 **Loki:** _I can see how you may think that, brother, as I usually do not give my consent for you to touch me at all._

 **Thor:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _As in, I never come home when you want me to, and I do not like hugs._

 **Thor:** _. . . Oh, oh of course. I thought that was what you meant, brother. But I fear not, as I know that you will come to me in your own time._

 **Loki:** _. . ._

 **Steve:** _Um, *coughs awkwardly* I hope I am not interrupting anything._

 **Loki:** _As it happens, yes, yes you are –_

 **Thor:** _Friend Steve! What a pleasure to hear from you! Of course you are not interrupting me, I was merely talking with my brother._

 **Steve:** _Merely talking . . . ok, that’s . . . swell._

 **Loki:** _How is it that you are able to reach us when we are in Asgard and you, Midgard? #Also, go away._

 **Steve:** _Good phone reception? I’m not the expert on any of this._

 **Tony:** _Steeeeeeeve._

 **Steve:** _Speak of the devil._

 **Tony:** _Steeeeeeeve come back to bed._

 **Steve:** _. . ._

 **Thor:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _. . . *smirks*_

 **Tony:** _Oh, uh, hi guys._

 **Loki:** _Rogers, it appears your lover is calling you. I advise you go to him and leave Thor and I in peace._

 **Steve:** _To talk?_

 **Loki:** _. . . sure. Off you go now._

 **Tony:** _No, I just got here. I have to make my presence known._

 **Loki:** _Stark your presence has been noted. Believe me. Now shoo._

 **Tony:** _Did you just “shoo” me?_

 **Loki:** _No that was also meant for Rogers._

 **Steve:** _:)_

 **Tony:** _Why are you smiling Steve, that wasn’t a compliment._

 **Steve:** _Sorry, typo._

 **Steve:** _*:(_

 **Thor:** _Brother, remember your manners. I shall have to scold you, but later, not in front of our friends._

 **Loki:** _Looking forward to it, brother ;)_

 **Tony:** _. . . Steve, let’s leave. Like, now._

 **Loki:** _Listen to this smart mortal. Unless you want to intrude on Thor and I’s “family bonding time”._

 **Tony:** _Leaving now._

 **Steve:** _Tony where are you going – *leaves to find Tony*_

 **Thor:** _Those quotation marks are suspicious, brother. You are up to something or hiding something._

 **Loki:** _You want to know what I’m hiding?_ _I’ll allow you to explore me, Thor, let you see every secret I posses, every part of me that you have never had the honour of seeing, of touching and I’ll let you own all of it, if only for the night . . ._

 **Tony:** _. . ._

 **Steve:** _. . ._

 **Natasha:** _. . ._

 **Clint:** _. . ._

 **Phil:** _. . ._

 **Bruce:** _. . ._

 **Nick Fury:** _. . ._

 **Thor:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _. . ._

 **Loki:** _. . . the rest of you are welcome to watch, if you would like._

 **Steve:** _I have a girlfriend! That type of thing is not my thing._

 **Tony:** _I have to go remind Steve that he has a_ boy _friend and that type of thing is, actually, his type of thing. But we won’t be coming back._

 **Natasha:** _I’ve endured worse things, but since I have a say in the matter, I think I’ll pass on your offer._

 **Clint:** _. . . Tell you what Loki; I’ll get back to you on that._

 **Phil:** _I think I might just leave and never come back, ever._

 **Bruce:** _I think I might just go Hulk out._

 **Nick Fury:** _This is one of those rare times where I wish I had an eye patch on each eye . . . I did not need to read that!_

 **Thor:** _What’s that? Heimdall seems to be summoning me to the BiFrost._

 **Loki:** _*shrugs* If we have to make love on the rainbow bridge, Thor, then so be it._

 **Tony:** _ARGH! VISUALS! *leaves*_

 **Steve:** _Ok, ok I’m going! *goes*_

 **Natasha:** _*shudders* goodbye *somersaults away*_

 **Clint:** _. . . wait for me, Nat! *turns into a hawk and flies off *_

 **Phil:** _. . . *cries* I used to love my job! *jumps out a window*_

 **Bruce:** _Hulk not like implications. *runs off*_

 **Nick Fury:** _Avengers disassemble! *flees*_

 **Thor:** _You know what, I think I may go visit Midgard . . ._

 **Loki:** _You’re not going anywhere, brother._

 **Thor:** _. . . you shall feel the wrath of the mighty Mjölnir should you come near me with those motives brother!_

 **Loki:** _I have pop-tarts Thor, pop-tarts._

 **Thor:** _. . . where?_

 **Loki:** _. . . somewhere on my body . . ._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, let's just leave it at that :)


	8. Frostiron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is needy and persistent, and Tony goes along with it eventually.

* * *

**Loki:** _Tony come back to bed._

**Tony:** _In a minute, I’ve just got to finish this one thing first._

**Loki:** _When have I heard that before? *Rolls eyes* Stark get to bed._

**Tony:** _I’d say make me but I don’t want to give you any ideas ;)_

**Loki:** _My brother will be home soon._

**Tony:** _Good for you, Loks_

**Loki:** _Do you want him to catch us in the middle of . . ._

**Tony:** _Say no more because I’m trying not to think about it._

**Loki:** _Come to bed._

**Tony:** _No._

**Loki:** _I might just leave and not return for a week._

**Tony:** _You won’t be gone long – you can’t resist me._

**Loki:** _You are nothing but a mortal. Granted, a smart mortal, but a mortal nevertheless. I know of beautiful Gods and Goddesses back in Asgard._

**Tony:** _Aren’t you like, banned from that place?_

**Loki:** _*pouts* Well, I know of a God here on “Earth”._

**Tony:** _Mmmm, yeah, me._

**Loki:** _I mean a true Asgardian God – Thor._

**Tony:** _Are you saying that if I don’t come to bed now, you’ll cheat on me with your brother?_

**Loki: *** _Adoptive brother thankyou very much. Also, that idea sounded better in my head._

**Tony:** _A lot of things sound better in your head Loki, like that take over the world thing._

**Loki:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _I’ve hit a sore spot, haven’t I?_

**Loki:** _You meddling mortals humiliated me. I would have killed them all if it weren’t for you, Tony._

**Tony:** _Yeah, if it weren’t for me getting in your pants._

**Loki:** _Yes, if you have to put it so crudely. But Tony, we’re alone in the tower. Your team believes you’re keeping an eye on me, they don’t suspect anything. We should make the most of our time alone before Thor arrives._

**Tony:** _Firstly, the team and I aren’t “keeping an eye” you Loki. Thor is the one who’s looking after you and by that I mean making sure you’re eating properly or whatever, not making sure you don’t try to take over the world again because for some reason we all trust you now. And secondly, how long til Thor gets back?_

**Loki:** _I knew I could wear you down. He gets back in half an hour._

**Tony:** _But . . . hmmm . . . but my work._

**Loki:** _Do you_ want _me to come down to that lab and take you right then and there?_

**Tony:** _Bruce works down here too. I think I’d feel a little awkward if we . . ._

**Loki:** _Fine, come up here then._

**Tony:** _Yep, just a second._

**Loki:** _Jarvis, turn off all of Tony’s machines._

**JARVIS:** _Yes, sir._

**Tony:** _Jarvis! Loki how is Jarvis obeying your commands. And why is he in our conversation . . ._

**JARVIS:** _Sir, it’s in your best interests to leave your work. You’ve been working for too long and you need a break._

**Tony:** _Jarvis, are you encouraging me to go fraternise with the enemy?_

**Loki:** _But I’m not really the enemy now, am I?_

**Tony:** _Jarvis, turn everything back on._

**JARVIS:** _No._

**Tony:** _But I am your master! Why won’t you obey meeee!_

**Loki:** _Ha! Now you know how it feels, Stark._

**Tony:** _. . . wow that’s kinky. But you’re not my master. I’m Tony-freaking-Stark, genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist, CEO of Stark Enterprises and I’m under the rule of nobody._

**Loki:** _What was it you advised me not too long ago? Ah yes, I do believe you told me to, “end your monologues a sentence earlier so we can get our freak on sooner”. I think that you should be taking your own advice, my dear._

**Tony:** _I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this but I don’t take advice from anybody._

**Loki:** _Yes, I’ve noticed._

**Tony:** _WHOA! Hold on, you have cold hands!_

**Loki:** _What’s the matter, Tony?_

**Tony:** _Why are you – no, why is there a clone in my lab? Touching me?_

**Loki:** _Because I can’t be bothered to move from your bed. So I created a clone to bring you up._

**Tony:** _No kidding, he just hoisted me over his shoulder._

**Loki:** _I guess I’ll be seeing you in person shortly._

**Tony:** _I guess you will, Loks._

**Loki:** _What have I trained you to say when you refer to me?_

**Tony:** _. . . I don’t feel comfortable saying it over text. Or out loud, for that matter._

**Loki:** _Say it anyway._

**Tony:** _*sigh* master._

**Loki:** _Ehehehehehe_


	9. Norse Mythology

**Thor:** _I’d like to know who bought my brother horse magazines. He is most upset after finding them on his bed. Along with the pictures of horses around his room._

**Clint:** _Why is Loki so upset about horses? #Suspicious_

**Thor:** _They remind him of a certain . . . event in our past._

**Clint:** _Oooh do go on._

**Thor:** _Clint, my brother’s turmoil is not for your entertainment. And I still wish to know who upset my brother!_

**Natasha:** _Ask Stark, it’s pretty safe to bet he’s involved in this._

**Tony:** _Hey now, Loki’s the God of Mischief, not me! I’m innocent!_

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _Mostly_

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _Well, I’ll tell you right now that I’m innocent for whatever you’re accusing me of._

**Thor:** _Did you put horse magazines and posters in my brother’s room, Tony?_

**Tony:** _. . . Maybe._

**Thor:** _My brother is deeply unsettled_

**Tony:** _OMG so it IS true! I looked up Norse mythology on the Internet, and oh, the fun things I have learned about you Asgardians, Thor._

**Thor:** _. . . I am not sure that I am comfortable with you knowing . . . about . . . things._

**Tony:** _Like the fact that that one time Loki actually did something good for Asgard, he had to turn into a lady horse and mate with a male horse and give birth to a horse? What was his name, Sleepier?_

**Loki:** _. . . Sleipnir, thankyou very much._

**Tony:** _Oh, hey, Loki. I heard you have a horse fetish so I took the liberty of re-decorating your room._

**Loki:** _. . . *seething*_

**Tony:** _Yeah, Thor tells me you’re not too happy._

**Loki:** _Thor, however did Tony find out about . . . Sleipnir?_

**Thor:** _It is not my fault, brother; Tony searched “Norse Mythology” on the “Internet”._

**Loki:** _I see . . . does that mean Tony knows about that one time where you had to play the blushing bride for Thrym?_  
  
 **Thor:** _That was to get my hammer back!_  
  
 **Loki:** _He certainly wanted your hammer ;)_

**Tony:** _. . . Even I don’t know quite what to say to that_  
  
 **Thor:** _Friend Tony, I suggest we halt this conversation here_  
  
 **Loki:** _Your beard complimented your dress well, I must say._

**Thor:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _Well, look on the bright side - you got your hammer back._

**Thor:** _*sigh* yes, yes indeed._

**Loki:** _Thrym was a little reluctant to give it back, if you know what I mean._

**Thor:** _Silence your mouth brother!_

**Tony:** _Loki, who is this Thrym guy again?_

**Thor:** _Stark, you had better not be planning anything._

**Loki:** _He was the king of the Jotun and wanted Freya as his wife in return for giving back Mjolnir. It was my idea to trick him – he was the stupidest of the FrostGiants – and send Thor in Freya’s place._

**Thor:** _Loki convinced me it was the only way to get Mjolnir back._

**Tony:** _Well, I didn’t know that either of you can swing that way, but you know, whatever floats your boat._

**Loki:** _Of course I can swing either way - I have both genitals._

**Tony:** _. . . 0.o_

**Tony:** _You don’t just come out with stuff like that!_

**Tony:** _I didn’t even mention anything about genitals!_

**Tony:** _I didn’t mention genitals, did I Thor?_

**Thor:** _No, you did not._

**Tony:** _Damn straight!_

**Tony:** _. . . wait_

**Loki:** _. . ._

**Tony:** BOTH _genitals you say?  
  
_ **Thor:** _O.o_

**Thor:** _LET US NOT GET INTO THIS DISCUSSION!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making very slow progress, posting my chapters on here. But it's progress nevertheless. 8 chapters down, 24 to go . . .


	10. Mythology, Copulating, and Hashtags

**Tony:** _So, Loki, where’s your brother right now?_

**Loki:** _For Odin’s sake Tony, Thor is not my brother! The_ God of Thunder _is currently attending to matters in New Mexico._

**Tony:** _So then he won’t know that we’re talking about how you have both genitals?_

**Loki:** _But we’re not talking about that._

**Tony:** _We could be. So tell me, you can sleep with guys AND girls? Wait, if you sleep with a guy will you get preggers?_

**Loki:** _#here we go. Males can sleep with both genders without the need of both genitals. And what is “preggers”?_

**Tony:** _It means pregnant._

**Steve:** _Who’s pregnant?!_

**Tony:** _Loki, I don’t know, apparently he can get pregnant._

**Loki:** _I never said such things!_

**Steve:** _Wait . . . does this have anything to do with all those horse posters in Loki’s room?_

**Loki:** _What were you doing in my room?! Also, I am NOT pregnant!!!_

**Tony:** _But say if you and I were to copulate and I was the one who put it in, would you get pregnant?_

**Loki:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _It’s a fair question._

**Thor:** _WHAT IS THIS TALK ABOUT COPULATING WITH MY BROTHER_

**Tony:** _. . . eep_

**Steve:** _. . . hello, Thor_

**Loki:** _NOBODY is copulating with me Thor!_

**Tony:** _Thor seems jealous._

**Steve:** _Leave them alone, Tony._

**Tony:** _But Loki hasn’t answered my question yet :(_

**Loki:** _I could get pregnant, certainly. I am the God of Mischief and a being who can change form and gender and I did once to save Asgard._

**Tony:** _And then you gave birth to Sleipnir._

**Loki:** _#H8_

**Thor:** _Are we still discussing Norse Mythology? Because I don’t feel overly comfortable with that subject._

**Loki:** _Nor do I._

**Tony:** _Aw, Loki and Thor are so adorable, aren’t they Steve?_

**Tony:** _Steve?_

**Clint:** _He’s off shelping shomeone._

**Thor:** _I do not understand._

**Steve:** _I do! I understood that reference – that one weird RAC commercial. Also, I haven’t gone anywhere, obviously._

**Tony:** _I’m a little disappointed, I was hoping you’d gone to shower._

**Steve:** _Why would you want me to go take a shower? Do I smell?_

**Tony:** _. . . yeah, go take a shower Steve._

**Clint:** _Tony, stop trying to take advantage of your boyfriend. Steve, he just wants to join you in the shower._

**Loki:** _I do not know about the rest of you but I could have lived without that information._

**Tony:** _Says the guy who blurted out that he has both genitals._

**Clint:** _Wait, Loki has both?_

**Thor:** _Yes, but please do not tease him about it._

**Clint:** _And how exactly do YOU know about this, Thor? ;)_

**Thor:** _Please do not tease me either._

**Tony:** _Hm, not denying anything there, Thor._

**Steve:** _Tony, come on, you’ve got your licks in, now let’s leave them alone._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Thor:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _#For God’s sake you people have completely dirty minds #that doesn’t even mean what you think it means! #I wasn’t insinuating anything #how do I manage to associate myself with you all every day #what happened to nice, clean and innocent conversations between friends #what has this world come to_

**Tony:** _Whoa, Steve, calm down. And I’ll leave them alone but I’ll be expecting you to get a few licks in later tonight ;)_

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Thor:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _For your information, I was totally insinuating something there._

**Phil Coulson:** _Yes, I think we realised, Stark. Now are you going to keep harassing the rest of the team or get back to work?_

**Tony:** _Sorry, I forgot that you still have that fanboy crush on Steve. I’ll try not to rub it in your face that he’s my boyfriend . . . oops ;)_

**Steve:** _Tony we’ve talked about this._

**Phil Coulson:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Wait, you’ve talked about Phil being jealous of Tony?_

**Phil Coulson:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _No, we’ve talked about Tony being nicer to everyone. Obviously, he hasn’t listened to me._

**Tony:** _But it’s hard to hear you when I’m down there doing stuff._

**Phil Coulson:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _On that note, I think I shall take my leave of this conversation._

**Thor:** _You are right, brother, anyway, Jane is calling me, I must depart!_

**Phil Coulson:** _If you guys are going to be immature, I’ll talk to you later._

**Steve:** _. . . Guys! No! Don’t get the wrong idea! He meant down in his lab! Down in his LAB! HIS LAB! GUYS!_

**Tony:** _Just looks like it’s you and me, Steve ;) What do you want to do?_

**Steve:** _. . ._

**Steve:** _. . . *makes out*_

**Tony:** _. . .*groans in pleasure*_

**Clint:** _nonononononononono stop! Stopstopstopstopstopst I’m still hereeeeee . . . argh my eyeeess!!_

**Steve:** _Oh god, we forgot about Clint!_

**Clint:** _Why can’t I UNsee things?!_

**Tony:** _There, there Clint._

**Clint:** _Get your gross, touchy hands away from meee!!_

**Steve:** _Tony, you knew Clint was still there, didn’t you?_

**Clint:** _*wailing in the background* where’s that disinfectant!!!_

**Tony:** _No, I had no idea, Steve._

**Tony:** _No idea at all._


	11. A Puddle Of Fanboy Goo

**Steve:** _. . ._

 **Phil:** _Oh, uh, hello Mr. Rogers, sir_

 **Steve:** _Hi, Agent Coulson, call me Steve :)_

 **Phil:** _:D in that case, call me Phil. I was wondering if I could ask you for a favour._

 **Steve:** _Sure, Phil, anything for you._

 **Phil:** _:*) Well, um, you didn’t get a chance to sign my Captain America cards what with Loki injuring me and putting me in a coma, but since I’ve been awake for a month now I thought maybe you could possibly sign my cards? Unless you have something more important to do, of course._

 **Steve:** _No don’t be silly! I’ll sign your cards. Your place or mine?_

 **Phil:** _Oh wow . . . I mean, pardon?_

 **Steve:** _Should I come over or you bring your cards to the Avengers tower?_

 **Phil:** _I don’t want to put you through too much trouble, so I’ll come over._

 **Steve:** _Looking forward to it :)_

 **Phil:** _. . . xD_

***A few minutes later***

**Phil:** _WHY ARE MY CARDS DIPPED IN BLOOD_

 **Nick Fury:** _What are you on about there, Agent?_

 **Phil:** _I’m on about my VINTAGE, MINT CONDITION Captain America trading cards!! I’ve just found them and they are covered in BLOOD!_

 **Nick Fury:** _That would be my fault, Agent. The Avengers weren’t cooperating, so I told them you were dead and I put your blood on a couple of the cards and showed them to Rogers. They needed the push._

 **Phil:** _You put my blood on a few cards . . . where are the ones that DON’T have blood on them?_

 **Nick Fury:** _I’m pretty sure Loki stole them._

 **Phil:** _Asdfghjklzxcvasdfghjkl_

 **Nick Fury:** _You can always buy some more Captain America cards, can’t you?_

 **Phil:** _Did “vintage” and “mint condition,” mean anything to you? I can’t just “always buy” some more cards. And I’d just gotten Steve to agree to sign them!_

 **Steve:** _Good morning, Director Fury. Hello again, Phil._

 **Steve:** _What’s going on here?_

 **Phil:** _Nick Fury ruined my vintage, mint condition Captain America trading cards, so now I don’t have anything for you to sign :/_

 **Steve:** _How about we get a picture together, and I’ll sign that? Heck, we can take as many pictures as you want and I’ll sign them all :D_

 **Phil:** _Steve Rogers I may just be in love with you. Uh, that means, “Thanks a bunch”._

 **Steve:** _I’m happy to do anything for my favourite agent :)_

 **Phil:** _Oh, gosh, stop it you :*)_

 **Nick Fury:** _Coulson, please stop swooning._

 **Phil:** _I’m not “swooning”._

 **Phil:** _. . ._

 **Phil:** _Steve, when you said you’d be happy to do anything for me, did you really mean “anything”?_

 **Steve:** _Yes . . . although I’m not sure where this is going._

 **Nick Fury:** _(I think I know where this is going)._

 **Phil:** _Thanks for interrupting, Nick Fury._

 **Phil:** _Anyway, I was wondering what it would be like to . . . be married to Captain America for a day._

 **Nick Fury:** _And there it is._

 **Steve:** _Well . . . uh, I’m really flattered that you would want to experience something like that . . ._

 **Nick Fury:** _Steve, you don’t have to say yes. In fact, don’t say yes because Coulson is just going to melt into a puddle of fanboy goo._

 **Steve:** _No, no it’s fine. I really like you Phil, but I don’t see how we could make that work. Would we go out to eat or dance or something?_

 **Phil:** _Yes, ok, maybe I don’t think my dream of marrying you . . . uh, is ever going to come true, but I’d love to take you on a date. As uh, friends._

 **Steve:** _You’d love to take me on a date :)_

 **Phil:** _Um, yes?_

 **Steve:** _That’s just . . . sweet :)_

 **Phil:** _Oh, yeah, heh heh :*)_

 **Steve:** _Well, still come over later say, twelve? We can have lunch together, go dancing and then maybe watch a movie?_

 **Phil:** _That sounds wonderful!! OK, I’ll see you later, Steve! xD_

 **Nick Fury:** _You actually got a date with Captain America._

 **Phil:** _Oh my freaking god I did!_

 **Phil:** _*melts into a puddle of fanboy goo*_

 **Nick Fury:** _I knew that was going to happen. I said that was going to happen, didn’t I? Nobody listens to me anymore._

***The next day***

**Phil:** _My day was amazing!_

 **Phil:** _First, Steve and I went out to lunch and just ate and talked for two hours, we just couldn’t stop bringing up things._

 **Phil:** _And then Steve took me to this place and we actually went dancing. Dancing’s not usually my style, but when I said that all Steve did was grab my hands and dance with me. :*)_

 **Phil:** _Oh, oh, oh! After dancing for three hours, yes THREE hours, we went to the movies and watched a comedy, action show that Steve and I both loved. We also shared a bucket of popcorn :D_

 **Phil:** _And then I dropped Steve back at the Avengers tower and he invited me in for one last chat over some coffee – I was stoked that Steve had literally said, ‘why don’t you come in – we can have some coffee”._

 **Phil:** _And then and then and then when I got up to go half an hour later, I complained about my legs being so sore from dancing, and Steve felt guilty because he thought it was his fault since it was his idea to go dancing or something adorable like that, so he offered to give me a massage._

 **Phil:** _A MASSAGE! From Steve Rogers aka CAPTAIN AMERICA! I wanted to accept immediately, of course, but I said that was really nice of him but it was getting late, so do you know what Steve said?? He said, ‘why don’t you just stay over tonight?’_

 **Phil:** _And I was screaming with joy on the inside but Steve took my pause as something different, I guess, because he suddenly said, ‘oh, well, not like a sleepover, we’re grown men, I know grown men don’t have sleepovers.’_

 **Phil:** _So I said, ‘you know what, let’s make a night of it as well. I won’t bother going home to grab my stuff, I’m sure Stark has everything I need.’ And then and then and then Steve said he could lend me his clothes if I needed them!!_

 **Phil:** _I didn’t need them, because Stark had spare everything on every floor it seemed, but once Steve was asleep I took the shirt he had been wearing that day and slept with it and it smelt like him. Do you think that’s creepy? I think watching him while he sleeps would have been creepier._

 **Phil:** _. . ._

**Phil:** _Which I didn't, of course  
_

**Phil:** _:3_

**Clint:** _. . ._

 **Clint:** _Note to self; never ask Phil how his day went._


	12. Pick-Up Lines and Happy Endings

**Clint:** _Hey, Nat?_

**Natasha:** _?_

**Clint:** _If you were a new burger at McDonald’s they’d call you a McGoregous._

**Natasha:** _what_

**Clint:** _No?_

**Clint:** _How about - can I take your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?_

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Baby, you must be a broom, because you sweep me off my feet._

**Natasha:** _Are these supposed to be pick-up lines_

**Clint:** _Are you wearing space pants, because your butt is outta this world._

**Natasha:** _Are these supposed to be working_

**Clint:** _Kiss me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your real name Gertrude?_

**Natasha:** _That’s terrible_

**Clint:** _Do you like water?_

**Natasha:** _Yes . . ._

**Clint:** _Good, then you already like 70% of me._

**Natasha:** _Clint, look, we’ve been over this. I’m not ready for a relationship. It’s . . . sweet that you’re trying but you’re only going to be disappointed._

**Clint:** _I get it._

**Clint:** _Oh god Nat – there’s something wrong with my eyes!_

**Natasha:** _What??!_

**Clint:** _I just can’t take them off you!_

**Natasha:** _Really_

**Clint:** _Are you Google because you’re everything I’m searching for._

**Natasha:** _Don’t make me feel worse about this, Clint._

**Clint:** _Is your name Katniss, because you’re starting an uprising in my district_

**Natasha:** _I could punch you for that_

**Clint:** _If you were a booger, I’d pick you first_

**Clint:** _If you were a tree I’d be a tree-hugger_

**Clint:** _Did you just fart because you blew me away_

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Natasha:** _You cannot win me over with cheesy, God-awful pick-up lines._

**Clint:** _How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the room?_

**Natasha:** _. . ._ _I’m debriefing with Nick Fury and Agent Coulson._

**Natasha:** _. . . I’m the only girl in the room._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?_

**Natasha:** _Enough, Clint._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Do you have any raisins?_

**Natasha:** _No._

**Clint:** _How about a date?_

**Natasha:** _No._

**Clint:** _Wow, rejected, ok._

**Clint:** _If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together!_

**Natasha:** _. . . If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put F and U together_

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Do you believe in first sight or should I walk by again?_

**Natasha:** _Talk to me once you have regained the maturity and intelligence of someone your age._

**Clint:** _Wait, Nat!_

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _If I were Peter Pan, you’d be my happy thought!_

**Natasha:** _Goodbye_

**Clint:** _My love for you is like diarrhoea . . . I just can’t hold it in much longer._

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Nat_

**Clint:** _Nat?_

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _Oh my freaking God, Nat, I am so sorry, Tony got a hold of my phone, oh my god I will kill him, that wasn’t me Nat, I’m sorry, it was Tony, he’s still trying to set us up, please come back._

**Tony:** _Don’t try to blame Natasha’s rejection on me_

**Clint:** _STARK I WILL KILL YOU_

**Tony:** _Nuh-uh, I’m safe in my lab now._

**Tony:** _Safe as in you can’t get in so don’t even try._

**Clint:** _STARK WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT_

**Clint:** _Natasha probably HATES me now._

**Tony:** _I guess I’m sorry, because my original intent was to bring you two together._

**Clint:** _I’m screen shotting this so I have proof that it was you._

**Clint:** _And what do you mean by “original” intent?_

**Tony:** _I had fun with those pick-up lines. I got carried away. It had a happy ending though, don’t you think?_

**Clint:** _. . ._

**Clint:** _STARK I AM GOING TO SMASH MY WAY INTO YOUR LAB AND STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BOW AND THEN DO THINGS TO YOU THAT WILL BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES, BEGGING FOR ME TO END YOUR PAIN AND TORMENT VIA DEATH_

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _Well, it made_ me _happy._  
  


* * *

**  
Natasha:** _Stark, care to explain yesterday’s . . . shenanigan?_

**Tony:** _So you and Clint talked things over? Good, good. So are you two going out yet or no_

**Natasha:** _. . . you have five seconds to explain_

**Tony:** _Oh, do I now?_

**Natasha:** _They call me Black Widow for a reason._

**Natasha:** _Right now I’m thinking of thirty-one ways to kill you._

**Natasha:** _With a tissue._

**Tony:** _So, what, death by paper-cut?_

**Natasha:** _Five seconds Stark._

**Tony:** _Ok, so Clint left his phone, I found it, I hacked into it for fun and then I thought that maybe I could get you to go out with him because there’s some obvious sexual tension thing going on between you two and I thought I’d help out, but then I got carried away with those hilarious pick-up lines. We cool?_

**Natasha:** _Yes, hilarious._

**Natasha:** _Clint told me all that, but I just wanted to make sure. Yes, we’re cool . . . for now. Also, what about the obvious sexual tension between you and Loki?_

**Tony:** _Loki tried to take over Earth, how could I be attracted to him?_

**Natasha:** _That was two years ago, and now Thor’s sorted him out and he’s on our side. You know that, unless you’ve been living under a rock for these past two years._

**Natasha:** _Also, you’re losing your touch._

**Tony:** _I thought this was about you and Clint. Also, what_

**Natasha:** _Your pining is obvious._

**Tony:** _My pining . . ._

**Natasha:** _For Loki_

**Tony:** _. . . So are you and Clint a couple now?_

**Natasha:** _Don’t think we’re finished here._

**Natasha:** _I’m going to talk to Loki._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Natasha:** _Also, yes, Clint and I are a couple now._

**Tony:** _Knew it!_

**Natasha:** _Stop waving your ego around, it had nothing to do with you._

**Tony:** _Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night :D_

**Natasha:** _The same goes for you when you deny pining for Loki._

**Tony:** _Ooh burn._

**Tony:** _I need some ice that was such a burn._

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _Ok, sure, even I admit that was hardly up to my usual standards of wit, but that doesn’t mean you can just leaf!_

**Tony:** _*leave_

**Natasha:** _*comes back* No, no actually I’m leaving *leafs*_

**Tony:** _You’re making fun of me_

**Tony:** _. . ._

**Tony:** _:(_  
  


* * *

**  
Natasha:** _Loki?_

**Loki:** _This is he._

**Natasha:** _Right. So, Tony likes you._

**Loki:** _That much is obvious._

**Natasha:** _Seriously? You know? Soooo do you like him?_

**Loki:** _. . . not particularly._

**Natasha:** _I feel you_

**Loki:** _What? I thought you were courting Barton!_

**Natasha:** _I wasn’t . . . I was just saying that I understood how . . . never mind._

**Natasha:** _So, you don’t like him? Even as a friend?_

**Loki:** _If by friend you mean someone I put up with, then yes I do actually._

**Natasha:** _But do you, you know, have feelings for him?_

**Loki:** _I think we just established that_

**Natasha:** _I mean GOOD feelings like you LOVE him type feelings._

**Loki:** _He is insufferable._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _His ego fills every nook and cranny of the tower._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _He thinks himself among our ranks, because he is admittedly the most handsome mortal I have come across._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _Just because he is stunning, does not make him a God._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _I mean,_ I _have better hair than he._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _I am nicknamed Silvertongue because of my easy lies and smooth wit, and yet this mortal leaves me tongue-tied, lost for words._

**Natasha:** _. . ._

**Loki:** _He is aggravating in every way. The way he teases me, openly ogles my body, openly flaunts his own in a way that I can’t help but stare, and the way that he is nothing but a scruffy mortal and yet . . ._

**Natasha:** _It’s a love/hate relationship with you guys, I get it! Please, I get enough fanboying from Tony about you, so just stop right there._

**Natasha:** _There is obviously A LOT of Sexual Tension between you two, why don’t you just go out already? (Now I can understand how Tony felt about Clint and I)_

**Loki:** _Why_

**Natasha:** _. . . because you two obviously love each other?_

**Loki:** _No, why would you capitalize “sexual tension”._

**Natasha:** _Because it’s an official thing, there’s that much Sexual Tension between you and Tony._

**Loki:** _And how would one relieve this . . . sexual tension._

**Natasha:** _Derp make out already. With Tony. I’d put money on him pining away for you in his lab right about now. So go._

**Loki:** _Mortal, you cannot just order me around._

**Natasha:** _Radi boga seksual’noye napryazheniye mezhdu vami takoy gustoy ya, veroyatno, ne smozhet rezat’ nozhom, I vy znayete, kak ya s nozhome! Tak chto poluchit’ prikaldom tam ili da pomozhet mne!_

**Loki:** _Fine, mortal, but just this once._

**Natasha:** _Wait you speak Russian_

**Loki:** _I have the All-tongue. I speak any language. Now I must go and woo the man of iron._

**Natasha:** _I wish you luck (you won’t need it, trust me)._  
  


* * *

**  
Tony:** _Can I just say . . . wow? Loki really knows his stuff._

**Clint:** _Tony, I’m happy for you, I really am, but I don’t need any details._

**Tony:** _But –_

**Clint:** _None._

**Clint:** _None at all. Please._

**Tony:** _Fine. The sex was awesome, that’s all I feel like sharing with you anyways. So, how are you and Nat?_

**Clint:** _Awesome._

**Tony:** _So things worked out in the end, didn’t they?_

**Clint:** _How do you mean?_

**Tony:** _You and Nat are a couple and so are Loki and I._

**Tony:** _All because of me. Flirting with Nat for you._

**Clint:** _That was so not flirting. And Nat’s the reason you and Loki are together, or else you’d be pining away for another six months._

**Tony:** _I DO NOT PINE!_

**Tony:** _New house rule: Don’t accuse Tony of pining._

**Clint:** _New house rule?_

**Tony:** _It comes under “we do not throw pop-tarts out the window in hopes of seeing Thor jump out after them”._

**Clint:** _I mean, since when do we have house rules?_

**Tony:** _Since Pepper told us off for throwing pop-tarts out the window in hopes of seeing Thor jump out after them._

**Clint:** _Ok, here’s one: If we are in a gay relationship we do not go into detail of said relationship with straight people._

**Tony:** _Clint, I make the rules._

**Clint:** _What? That’s not –_

**Tony:** _My tower._

**Clint:** _I used to kill people for a living. I should get to make some rules._

**Tony:** _Not unless you want me to have Jarvis post kinky footage of you and Nat having sex on the Internet._

**Clint:** _YOU HAVE FOOTAGE OF WHAT?!_

**Tony:** _So, yeah, happy ending._


End file.
